Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
