I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
