WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
