I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
