That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
