Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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