If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Farmville is her only friend.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
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