So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I deserve this hangover.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
