The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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