i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
The air taste purple.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
