Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize
