Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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