even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
