i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Randomize
