yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
where are my eyebrows?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
