I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
