Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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