apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
