guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
being pregnant is like rehab
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Randomize
