I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Randomize
