I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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