I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Randomize
