You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Randomize
