Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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