A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Randomize
