They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Betty ford says i'm here all night
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
