I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
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