he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
