I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i just had sex bonerless
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize