When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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