and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Randomize
