Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
