So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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