you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
