We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
