Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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