I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Randomize
