Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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