you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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