you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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