mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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