The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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