Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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