How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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