i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
