if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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