YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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