i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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