we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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