I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
