Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
