I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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