are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
