But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
