Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
this boner is exhausting
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Randomize
