Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
