Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
