Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
