oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
