Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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