My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
