The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
