I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
