1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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