If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
