I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Randomize