i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I am full of burrito and curiosity
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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